Mary Christmas’ tips to attract the opposite sex

Here at Get Laid we always tirelessly strive to help you improve your love lives. Ladies, you have to make yourself alluring. Speaking French is always an asset….’Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir…?’ as the great Lady Marmalade once said. Believe me, you can trust those posh knobs to tell it like it is, especially if they’ve got jam all over them, the dirty beggars!.

French is the language of love. Par example-r -French kissing – snogging with a load of onions and garlics around your gob, French letters – when you have sèx with an accent on the ‘e’.  And best of all, French polishing, when you have sex on hard shiny tables with these garlics  placed in every orifice.

Being sexy is about more than just pulling your tights down behind the bus stop – although some girls don’t even bother with that, yes Doris, I am referring to you. Most blokes said when encountering Doris for the first time – ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time’, to which she would reply, ‘If I’d known you had more time, I’d have taken my tights off’….

Anyway, I digress. To make yourself irresistable ladies, you have to make the right noises. I’m not talking the oohs and ahhs here. I am talking wild animal noises. Literally. You have to tailor yourself to your specific strengths. If you can roar authentically like a lion, then roar girlfriend. If your speciality is giraffe whoops, then that’ll make somebody very happy. As for myself, my noble beast of choice, the specialite de la maison, if you will, is the majestic pigeon.

Men like to get in touch with their inner beast. And I like to get in touch with my inner pigeon. I used to hang around Trafalgar Square hoping for action, but all I ever got was  bits of bread and the odd peanut. Once I pursued Boris Johnson shouting ‘Coo’, but he was ashamed of the rampant passion I aroused in his manly bosom – he put me on an Asbo.

I think the lesson to be learned here is, Don’t peak too soon. When you spot that gorgeous hunk in the pet aisle at Sainsbury’s, confine yourself to a hushed ‘croo-oo’. You’ll get his attention. When you’ve got him down the nightclub you can go a bit further: Flap your wings, flaunt your tail feathers. And when you’re finally at home with the lights down low, stripped to a cardboard beak and a few plumes, then go, sister, go crack that shell and fertilize those eggs……………

About Maggie Gordon-Walker

I'm a performer, writer and director of creative projects, generally not all at the same time. For info about all these, go to For info about the creative support group Mothers Uncovered, which I founded and am the director of, go to

Posted on July 14, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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