Mary Christmas’ thoughts on Love….

Hello once more from the delectable Mary Christmas. Now I know some of you might find me intimidating because of my ravishing beauty. How can I approach her, you think? She, the guiding light to so many young women and the object of unattainable desire to every man. That’s why I’m wearing these  deelyboppers, so you don’t see me as the unreachable guru that I am, but as a figure of fun. I’m just like the girl next door. The one you always had a crush on.

Today I’m talking to you about ‘Hurdles we place in the path of love.’ You’re not Olympic athletes, ladies and gentlemen. 2012 is just a large number to you. The only crucial quality you need in a partner is that they’re breathing. Some ‘experts’ say even that’s not important but this is not that sort of group.

Perhaps your unhappy childhood is holding you back. Get over it! I grew up in the Church of Steeple Bumstead Sisters of Hellfire. My religion states I will be eternally damned unless I get hitched so one of you gorgeous hunks might be in luck. Like you, yes you, with the blue shirt on looking at me with those come to bed eyes. We could be made for each other.

You needn’t look so scared!

I know you’re only worried your performance won’t satisfy someone as sensually adventurous as myself. As I said before, I am a virgin, but I haven’t always been. However, I do need some commitment before I let you plant your courgettes in my window-box. Remember what that girl next door used to say –  ‘an engagement ring would suffice if you wanted to get my motor running, but I might not swallow unless a date was set’. So here’s my number: 0890-HOT-TO-TROT – but only if you’re ready to take me up the aisle.


Welcome to my World

Hello, and welcome to my online support group for women seeking meaningful longterm relationships. I call it Get Laid.

My name’s Mary Christmas, and I’m a virgin.

I haven’t always been. There was a time when I went like a rat up a drainpipe, especially when the lights were out and I was wearing a mask.

But a couple of years ago WHEN I WAS TWENTY I felt I needed something more lasting than the stains on my nightie, so I decided I’d start all over again and save myself for marriage. A toe here, a nipple there – it all adds up. It’s a bit like life insurance, when the policy matures I’ll have lots and lots and lots!

I started going to Internet chatrooms, but I had to stop after the restraining order. I don’t see what’s so wrong with grooming. It’s all right when apes do it, but apparently I’m not allowed to go online and say I’m seventeen.

Then I thought, if I become a big household name on Youtube, with everyone wanting a piece of me, then getting a husband will be a lot easier. And I can stop writing to all those prisoners.

So here I am, simple natural and unadorned, all my own hair and teeth and just a hint of somebody else’s boobs.

And now I’d like to share with you my mantra that I developed at the Chant Your Way To Success seminar. You girls looking for romance may find it very inspirational. Listen carefully:


Say it at least ten times a day. When you’re on the bus is good, you can get some surprisingly positive results.


Don’t forget, you heard it first from me, Mary Christmas, your personal love trainer.