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Tales from Steeple Bumstead 5 – The debacle of Jedward, the machinations of David Tennant and the hump of Cheryl

12 May

Sugar sent Arlene Philips to check out the ‘proper’ Macbeth at The Everyman. Not impressed. ‘There’s no glitter or sequins’ she said. ‘So dull.’

‘The glitziest Macbeth in history’. That’s how we’re billing our Magnum classic, I mean opus. Cherie Blair, as Macbeth, is wearing sequined fishnet tights, velvet breastplate & pom-pom helmet.

13 May

Unlucky indeed. Or not. Last night Jedward (idiots) were screeching to Arlene about how Cheryl, Posh & Kylie should re-form Hot Gossip. This morning we saw a note pinned on the rehearsal room door declaring they’ve gone off to be on ‘I’m an X-Factor Potato Face Celebrity Big Brother has Left The Jungle!’

Poor George Michael has taken Jedward’s departure hard, so to speak. He sat in a corner to sing their greatest hits. It kept him occupied for 14 seconds. His Old Man may suffer.

Alan S. stomped about all afternoon. ‘I’m doing a musical of Pippi Longstocking next. Especially for Kylie. There’s too much doom & bloody gloom in this Shakespeare.’

14 May

Saved! David Tennant & Catherine Tate, warming up for their other Shakespeare outing, will play Malcolm & Donalbain following Jedward’s exit. SAS barked: ‘I don’t want no Tardis shit here. You gotta remember I made Amstrad from sticky back plastic & string. I’m the boss.’

That evening David came sobbing to me: ‘Mary, the cast keep taunting me, saying “You’re not the doctor, ner ner ner ner neh”. I patted his arm comfortingly, but can’t see his problem. Being a doctor is ever such hard work, he’s much better off acting.

16 May

Tennant settled in now. I had to rouse him from the cauldron where he’d fallen into a drunken stupor last night. Dress rehearsal later. Checked my Twitter and noticed a personal injury claims company is following me. I know I muttered earlier Brad Pitt was hanging about but I didn’t expect such speedy action.

Much later

Dress rehearsal not very successful. We’re in that cafe they use for the losers on The Apprentice.

19 May

Opening night! Nerves all round. Piers Morgan and Rio Ferdinand bickered like mewlish kittens. Then Billy Connolly brought out his hip flask. Everyone better now.

At the Stage Door I was given a leaflet by a sandelled beardy man which said smoking and drinking were very bad for you. That’s it, I’m giving up reading.

Anyway, all troubles aside, the show was a rip-roaring success! And the witches were hilarious. Bravo!!! We are the toast, crumpet and brioche of the town. Riotous after show party. Piers looks lovely in a tutu.

21 May

Press Night!

I’ve stationed Kylie, George, Piers and Ferdy at after show party to flirt with press. All tastes covered.


The press have been rubbed, scrubbed and plied with booze and mini Amstrads. We can only await their verdict on Lord Siralun Sugar Daddy’s Macbeth.

 22 May

I thought the Rapture died out years ago. Oh, hang on, I meant the raptor. Best carry on drinking.

25 May

The Guardian loves us, The Times doesn’t, The Sun loves us, The Mirror doesn’t. The Mail got lost on the way & The News of The World thought….. not enough tits in it. We’ve got Piers Morgan, what more do they want!

The Daily Mail were defamatory about Posh’s acting. Becks is going to ‘take them out.’ Otherwise we are a hit, according to Amstrad Weekly!

 26 May

A lot of Marmite-loving Danes have arrived in the supermarket to stock up before going home. I lured them into the theatre with marmite on toast.

 30 May

Cast of The Apprentice met the cast of Macbeth before the show tonight. Our lot are well ‘ard. The apprentices started whimpering about 150%.

The two worlds collided horribly on stage. Macbeth said he wanted to take Macduff & Malcolm into the board room with him.

David Tennant was exceedingly masterful. Mirroring the play, he’s ejected Cherie Blair & taken over Macbeth with full-bodied Scots accent.

4 Jun

George Michael & Kylie Minogue have been entertaining the audience in the interval with a magazine style segment called ‘Life on Fife.’

Cheryl Cole has had the right hump. I said ‘Express yourself in the show’. She destroyed a life size effigy of Simon Cowell in her Act IV dance.

5 June

Cast have entered the complacent stage of the run. To liven things up, I replaced one of the stage daggers with a real one. Joking!

6 June

Gotta admire Sir A.S’s gumption. Not content with a hit (Macbeth) and a nightmarish version of the future (Apprentice), he’s now starting casting for Pippi Longstocking. Kylie Minogue will be the feisty sprite. The stockings won’t have to be that long obviously.