Festive greetings from Get Laid! My name is Mary Christmas. Would you like to take a wild stab at guessing which special day I was born on….?
The answer’s Good Friday. Ironic really considering my life has been a never-ending dirge of pain and misery. Joking! The Steeple Bumstead Sisters of Hellfire take their fun very seriously.
Now, sorry to put a downer on your festive cheer, but I’ve just been at a funeral. Bit embarrassing because I was late. Although not as late as my Uncle Roy, whose funeral it was. I don’t know if any of you have ever been on a deathbed, but it’s not as much fun as it sounds. My uncle died from a rare condition which combined a strange muscular twitch with severe Tourettes Syndrome. Shocking it was. In his last moments, he grabbed my arse and shouted “Bollock off, spaniel tits!” Not something I will pass on to my children. Not because I don’t think it’s a nice story, but because I don’t have any children. Although tonight could be my lucky night. Or even yours, handsome.
A little lady of my acquaintance saw one of my previous philosophies on You Tube and said ‘I don’t get it. Are you supposed to be funny?’ The answer, Becky, is No. My commitment to Get Laid is unstoppable at all times.
I know this time of year can be difficult for single ladies but don’t feel despondent – Mary Christmas is here to set all of you on the path to lasting fulfillment – the non battery reliant sort!
Ladies, you have to make yourself alluring. Speaking French is always an asset….’Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir…?’ as the great Lady Marmalade once said. Believe me, you can trust those posh knobs to tell it like it is, especially if they’ve got jam all over them, the dirty beggars!.
French is the language of love. Par example-r -French kissing – snogging with a load of these garlics around your gob, French letters – when you have sèx with an accent on the ‘e’. And best of all, French polishing, when you have sex on hard shiny tables with garlics placed in every orifice.
Now you’re all warmed up and panting for more, you’re ready to learn the smooth talk, so get yourself a nice glass of absinthe and hurry back for the next installment.