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Tales from Steeple Bumstead 6 – Pippi ‘Kylie’ Longstocking and my journey on Brad Pitt’s yacht

12 June

Lord Sugar said Kylie can help him with the casting. Suddenly she’s everyone’s best friend.

Not mine though. Her demands include:

1. Kicking up a fuss about Pippi Longstocking being a redhead (v desirable IMHO). She feels it might compromise her image.

2. She wants a name change to PippA Longstocking, to be in keeping with the most famous ass of our time. Frankly, Kylie had her chance as Rear of the Year ten years ago, it’s time to move on.

3. Lastly, she’s insistent on David Tennant being a love interest in the show. I pointed out Pippi is a tomboyish girl. Didn’t go down well.

13 June

OMG!! Kate Middleton reduced to wearing something she wore only 3 years ago! The poor lamb. I rushed over one of my hats immediately.

Kylie still too big for her stockings. She says the show needs to end with her marrying David Tennant. For real. He’s looking anxious.

As a distraction I asked her if the Lexus  advertising people insisted her dress be made of car upholstery for the ads. Got that shiny grey leather look.

14 June

David Tennant has pulled out of the production!

Kylie unrecogNISable when she came to rehearsals. Gin-soaked, hair trailing limply, very hoarse due to wailing. You’d never catch me behaving like that.

Later

Only one way to deal with the ilotoleable pressure in life. Those @$€%<$! Treat me like that! I am vey vey drunk. I might fall off my…

15 June

Hangover..? Me? That’s for wimps. Bounded into the cast’s sleeping quarters to welcome the day. They’re still shouting. Off to get coffee.

20 Jun

Kylie’s worn David Tennant down. He’s playing an entirely spurious love interest in Pippi! with songs written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Poor bastard.

Lloyd Webber’s throne has arrived into rehearsals. He’s not due till next week. I suspect it might be the worse for wear by then.

22 Jun

Turned on the telly and there was Lloyd Webber at Wimbledon! Siralun is not best pleased. He’s done something unspeakable to the throne.

Sugar has pushed me OVER THE EDGE. David Tennant feels the same about Kylie. We’ve gone on a pub crawl mini-break to Droitwich. Back Monday.

4 July

Pressure taking its toll on Kylie. She’s started speaking entirely in Stock, Aitken & Waterman songs. Sugar’s phoned Jason Donovan for advice

7 Jul

Former News of The World employees attending last performance of Macbeth tonight. Well, they could do with a laugh. Better keep an eye on the daggers.

 11 Jul

Kylie appeared in rehearsal today wearing Rebekah Brooks’ wig. What? You mean it’s her real hair?! Shit!

Brad Pitt’s turned up again. I’ve told him I’m only interested in drunken wastrels who frottage in alleyways but he doesn’t get the message. Have sent him to Frotters Anonymous.

Might send George Clooney and Orlando Bloom along too. They’re so demanding & there’s only a finite amount of Mary.

16 Jul

Like those BBC types I’m also on strike. I have decided not to wear underwear as a mark of protest.

Frotters Anonymous spurned the Hollywood A-Listers. Brad, Orlando & George currently playing catch with Jordan’s discarded breast implant.

Brad Pitt invited me on a luxury yacht with the Falkirk multi-millionaires. Am tempted, even though Steeple Bumstead is glorious in the rain.

17 July

A decision’s been made. Have decked myself in a sailor suit (I tossed the sailor overboard). They won’t notice I’ve gone.

19 Jul

I said to Brad just now ‘What about Angelina?’ He said ‘If you take away the gorgeous face, the hot body, the fabulous career and Earth Motherness, what have you got?’ He has a point. Have rounded the McDonalds Peninsula to the Nediterranean, home of the Great Horn of Ned.

21 Jul

Good Lordy, we’ve acquired a pirate. Johnny Depp, that is. He’s brought some of his undead. Brad Pitt not best pleased. He’s so possessive.

Pirates. PIRATES!! Not really, just my summoning chant. Fed up of Hollywood A-Listers, I need a stubbly smelly old fart to remind me of home.

31 Jul

The pirates came. They are NOT AT ALL like in Pirates of the Caribbean. Just had their captain sobbing with pity as I told him my life story

I have taken the Pirate Captain to a cave for comforting. I may be some time

15 Aug

Been in this bloody cave far too long. The stalactites look like beer cans. Rock pools are full of absinthe.

16 August

Well it had to happen.  Siralun has sent Nick & Margaret (hey I’m old school) to ask ‘politely’ if I’m coming back to Steeple Bumstead.

I’m playing Sardines with them. Gosh Nick has frisky hands! Now I know what happens under that table in the boardroom.

Margaret is jealous. Now you know the cause of the arch remark and sardonic eyebrows.

22 Aug

Rest of cast came popping out of  Sugar‘s seaplane.

I’m judging a sandcastle competition. Predictably Piers Morgan & Rio Ferdinand are boasting about whose is the biggest.

23 Aug

We’ve built biggest sandcastle in the world. Well we had to, to accommodate the poor dears from Branson’s Necker Island. In it now. Drinking commenced.

Having imbued a curious mix of raki and absinthe am now seeing in double. There are four Jedwards. This is a nightmarish vision of the future.

A load of conspiracy theorists just parachuted in. They were mumbling about grassy knolls, so I gave them some hash cake. They’re happy now.

4 Sep

Saw sign today asking for nominations for the Olympic torch bearer. I’m happy to be suggested. I’m nimble & have a handy hip flask if the flame goes out.

Sugar has worn me down and I am returning home.

Brad Pitt’s yacht nosed into the harbour at Greenwich. An inexplicably large crowd was there to greet him, as if he was famous or something.

7 Sep

Me and Brad Pitt, SAS and rest of Sugar crew all getting dogfaced in The Dastardly Dog & Dandy Duck in Deptford. Jedward were plaiting Jonathan Ross’ hair. Somewhat predictably they plaited themselves INTO his hair. Idiots. Don’t be fooled by the Jedward who appeared on Celebrity Big Brother, by the way. Those are in fact aliens. As are the real ones.

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Tales from Steeple Bumstead 5 – The debacle of Jedward, the machinations of David Tennant and the hump of Cheryl

12 May

Sugar sent Arlene Philips to check out the ‘proper’ Macbeth at The Everyman. Not impressed. ‘There’s no glitter or sequins’ she said. ‘So dull.’

‘The glitziest Macbeth in history’. That’s how we’re billing our Magnum classic, I mean opus. Cherie Blair, as Macbeth, is wearing sequined fishnet tights, velvet breastplate & pom-pom helmet.

13 May

Unlucky indeed. Or not. Last night Jedward (idiots) were screeching to Arlene about how Cheryl, Posh & Kylie should re-form Hot Gossip. This morning we saw a note pinned on the rehearsal room door declaring they’ve gone off to be on ‘I’m an X-Factor Potato Face Celebrity Big Brother has Left The Jungle!’

Poor George Michael has taken Jedward’s departure hard, so to speak. He sat in a corner to sing their greatest hits. It kept him occupied for 14 seconds. His Old Man may suffer.

Alan S. stomped about all afternoon. ‘I’m doing a musical of Pippi Longstocking next. Especially for Kylie. There’s too much doom & bloody gloom in this Shakespeare.’

14 May

Saved! David Tennant & Catherine Tate, warming up for their other Shakespeare outing, will play Malcolm & Donalbain following Jedward’s exit. SAS barked: ‘I don’t want no Tardis shit here. You gotta remember I made Amstrad from sticky back plastic & string. I’m the boss.’

That evening David came sobbing to me: ‘Mary, the cast keep taunting me, saying “You’re not the doctor, ner ner ner ner neh”. I patted his arm comfortingly, but can’t see his problem. Being a doctor is ever such hard work, he’s much better off acting.

16 May

Tennant settled in now. I had to rouse him from the cauldron where he’d fallen into a drunken stupor last night. Dress rehearsal later. Checked my Twitter and noticed a personal injury claims company is following me. I know I muttered earlier Brad Pitt was hanging about but I didn’t expect such speedy action.

Much later

Dress rehearsal not very successful. We’re in that cafe they use for the losers on The Apprentice.

19 May

Opening night! Nerves all round. Piers Morgan and Rio Ferdinand bickered like mewlish kittens. Then Billy Connolly brought out his hip flask. Everyone better now.

At the Stage Door I was given a leaflet by a sandelled beardy man which said smoking and drinking were very bad for you. That’s it, I’m giving up reading.

Anyway, all troubles aside, the show was a rip-roaring success! And the witches were hilarious. Bravo!!! We are the toast, crumpet and brioche of the town. Riotous after show party. Piers looks lovely in a tutu.

21 May

Press Night!

I’ve stationed Kylie, George, Piers and Ferdy at after show party to flirt with press. All tastes covered.

Later

The press have been rubbed, scrubbed and plied with booze and mini Amstrads. We can only await their verdict on Lord Siralun Sugar Daddy’s Macbeth.

 22 May

I thought the Rapture died out years ago. Oh, hang on, I meant the raptor. Best carry on drinking.

25 May

The Guardian loves us, The Times doesn’t, The Sun loves us, The Mirror doesn’t. The Mail got lost on the way & The News of The World thought….. not enough tits in it. We’ve got Piers Morgan, what more do they want!

The Daily Mail were defamatory about Posh’s acting. Becks is going to ‘take them out.’ Otherwise we are a hit, according to Amstrad Weekly!

 26 May

A lot of Marmite-loving Danes have arrived in the supermarket to stock up before going home. I lured them into the theatre with marmite on toast.

 30 May

Cast of The Apprentice met the cast of Macbeth before the show tonight. Our lot are well ‘ard. The apprentices started whimpering about 150%.

The two worlds collided horribly on stage. Macbeth said he wanted to take Macduff & Malcolm into the board room with him.

David Tennant was exceedingly masterful. Mirroring the play, he’s ejected Cherie Blair & taken over Macbeth with full-bodied Scots accent.

4 Jun

George Michael & Kylie Minogue have been entertaining the audience in the interval with a magazine style segment called ‘Life on Fife.’

Cheryl Cole has had the right hump. I said ‘Express yourself in the show’. She destroyed a life size effigy of Simon Cowell in her Act IV dance.

5 June

Cast have entered the complacent stage of the run. To liven things up, I replaced one of the stage daggers with a real one. Joking!

6 June

Gotta admire Sir A.S’s gumption. Not content with a hit (Macbeth) and a nightmarish version of the future (Apprentice), he’s now starting casting for Pippi Longstocking. Kylie Minogue will be the feisty sprite. The stockings won’t have to be that long obviously.

Tales from Steeple Bumstead – Part 3. The casting of Lord ‘Siralun’ Sugar’s ‘Macbeth, with yours truly his long suffering producer.

Lord Sugar wants to begin casting for ‘Macbeth’ immediately. Piers Morgan and Rio Ferdinand bustled up self-importantly. ‘I’m mixing things up’, growled Sugar. ‘I’m gonna have a bird playing the lead.’ I had to translate for the assembled mass that he meant a female, rather than a peacock or chaffinch. Piers started sulking and mumbling about Sugar’s jowls. I silenced him by saying: ‘Jowls are what a lady from Birmingham wears around her neck. And you, Piers, will play Young Siward.’ Rio started smirking. ‘You can be Siward to keep an eye on him.’ They counted their lines and are both sulking.

Sugar wants someone tough and ballsy to take the title role and has settled on Cherie Blair. ‘Best have a bloke to be his wife, like in panto,’ I suggested brightly. All the men started running away, except for David Cameron who was putting his blusher on. He’ll be a natural, I’m sure. I suggested Margaret Thatcher for old king Duncan and adorable Nick Clegg with his boyish cheeks for Fleance. Banquo can be Kenneth Williams – most of the time he’s a ghost anyway. Jedward (idiots) will play Malcolm and Donalbain. Some are shuddering in horror.

‘Best have some sex, Mary’ said Sugar. ‘You’re right’, I replied. ‘Let’s have Russell Brand & Katy Perry as the Macduffs!’ He agreed, pulling his trousers back up – I’m not sure why he’d taken them down in the first place.

Looking up from my Penguin copy of the play I exclaimed ‘Ooh, there’s lots of Scottish people in Macbeth!’ To ease the load on Sean Connery, who’s playing three of them, we’ve got in Malcolm Tucker.

‘There’s never enough laughs in these Shakespeare things’, said Siralun. ‘I want some comedians to play the witches. Who’ve we got?’ he asked me.

I looked over the mass of bodies below. ‘Tim Minchin, Eddie Izzard & Bill Bailey.’ He grimaced. ‘It’ll have to do.’

There was a crash outside. ‘Who the feck put that sword there?’ Billy Connolly barged in, cork hat on head from a recent sojourn in Oz. ‘How ya doin pals? A’hm gonna play Hecate. Keep ye young upstarts in line!’ he bellowed at Tim, Eddie and Bill. It was a good thing too. Eddie and Tim were arguing about eye make-up and Bill and Tim (oof, he’s a trouble maker) about who had the longest hair. To calm Tim down, I put him on Arthur Smith’s Radio 4 Extra show and told them to ask him ‘What is your eyeliner brand of choice?’ – see, they put it on twitter.

BBCRadio4extra

@timminchin answers questions about guy-liner from @MaryChristmasxx on last night’s #ComedyClub –>http://bbc.in/hhLbAe

20 Apr

That kept him quiet for a bit. And talking of talk, my God that George Michael does witter on. It’s lucky we’ve give him the silent part of Old Man. Of course, everyone knows it’s the Murderers who are the stars of the piece. As you can see from the cast list below. I’ve included it, in case any of you are lost:

Macbeth – Cherie Blair
Lady Macbeth – David Cameron
Duncan – Margaret Thatcher
Malcolm – Jedward
Donalbain – The other Jedward
Banquo + Ghost – Kenneth Williams
Macduff – Russell Brand
Lady Macduff – Katy Perry
Fleance – Nick Clegg
Lennox – Sean Connery
Ross – Sean Connery
Angus Flame-Grilled Burger – Sean Connery
Porter – Malcolm Tucker
Hecate – Billy Connolly
Witches – Bill Bailey, Eddie Izzard, Tim Minchin
Old Man – George Michael
Siward – Rio Ferdinand
Young Siward – Piers Morgan
The Murderers – David Beckham, Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Cole, Kylie Minogue

In my next piece, I’ll share with you the excitements from rehearsal.